By now we all know that Apple just came out with a hotly anticipated iPad and a new tepidly expected Apple TV. But Apple also recently released a new service that went largely without fanfare, in spite of the fact that it will probably result in the flaming, screaming end of Western civilization.
Here's how it works: You go into an Apple Store. You pull up the Apple Store app on your iPhone or iPad. You scan the bar code of any item that catches your fancy in that bear-trap-esque way that iPhone-related products do and then you pick up the item and walk out. You have purchased that item, just as if it were the latest Zynga time sink.
This is dangerous.
I, personally, am not great with money. The more speed bumps there are between me and a completely unnecessary purchase, the better. And let's be honest, nothing in an Apple Store is within 50 kilometers of necessary. If civilization collapsed, the Apple Store would make The Sharper Image look like an army surplus outlet.
And civilization will collapse, because I am not alone in my financial negligence. I am actually in less credit card debt than the average American. My purchasing decision-making is abysmal, but at least I'm not buying my kids $200 sneakers. Also, I don't have kids -- another canny financial decision.
But this isn't about me. This is about the fact that being able to buy something by taking a picture of it is going to break the back of the American will to thrift.
You know how people moan about how money isn't based on gold anymore? The reason it doesn't matter is that cash money, to the modern psyche, is more real than anything else in the entire universe, including gold. A crisp green American hundred makes everything surrounding it look like a child's crayon drawing of a dragon wearing spats.
I sincerely believe, by the way, that one reason America remains an economic powerhouse is because our paper money may not be pretty, or friendly to the blind, but it looks like money. A Canadian ten looks like an invitation to a child's birthday party hosted by Bill Maher in Edwardian garb. An American ten looks like something you would shoot your cousin to hang onto.
Look at the facts here. The first networked ATM in America was installed in 1968. A major recession hit in 1969, and another in 1973. Money went from something you were handed by a human being wearing nice clothes to something a machine spit into your hand like a candy bar or really terrible coffee.
In 1986, American Express started allowing card owners to carry a debt balance. In 1987, Discover Card launched widely. In 1990, we hit another recession. As money shifts from sturdy green paper to plastic you can't bring within 16 feet of a magnet, it becomes less real, and people go kinda nuts.
You see where we're going here. The early 2000s hosted a grim parade of new ways to pay for things without having to think about it for more than an instant. PayPal, Amazon's 1-Click, various sad attempts at creating a "web currency" -- all trying to convince us that buying products on the web and picking off triplets in Bejeweled are basically the same thing. And, sure enough, in 2007 we crawled willfully into a financial tiger pit and we're still trying to climb our bloody way out of it. Say what you will about the housing crisis; I blame Beenz.
And now we're hitting a new apex of ephemerality in our currency. No longer do we have to hand over goats, gold, paper bills or even a credit card with a picture of our family on it in order to get our "Beats By Dr. Dre" headphones. We just have to snap a picture of a bar code. It's like the old superstition about cameras, except that it's the taker and not the subject that takes a hit in the soul department.
Mark my words. In fact, memorize my words, because when the coasts are in flames you're not going to be able to Google me. This is the beginning of the end. A new age of ignorance and suffering awaits us all, and our lovely glowing devices will mock us darkly as they pile in useless monuments to folly and denial.
I'd go into more detail, but I have to go see if my local Apple Store has the new iPad in stock.
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Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a big spender, a small businessman, and a microlender.
