In case you haven't heard, a lot of people are angry at my recent post about stuff I'd do to escape the poverty, deep social dysfunction, and historical legacy of hundreds of years of oppression that keeps down our poor black kids. Basically, I said, it comes down to Google. If they're not using that, well, they should start.
Now, I'm not stupid. I know that poor black kids don't all have laptops and smartphones.
So here's my advice: Go down the hallway, knock on the door of your neighborhood drug kingpin and ask to borrow his laptop. If he tells you to get lost, be persistent. Get your foot in the door - literally. Swipe the thing if you have to. You're small and quick, and all those big guns and gold bling are heavy, they slow a thug down. Anyway, what I mean to say is, success requires taking some risks.
Take the laptop down to the local Starbucks, which has free wi-fi. Buy yourself a pumpkin spice latte - you can't just walk in and start stealing wi-fi without making a purchase. Also, it's the holiday season and you deserve a treat. I know poverty is hard.
Call up the browser (I recommend Chrome, anyone can understand it) and go to Google.com. Do it now - no, do it yesterday - and direct yourself to my post about being a poor black kid. Email it to your friends. Tweet it, Facebook it, put it on your LinkedIn page. Do everything you can to get this message out to every corner of your world and beyond.
If more poor black kids hear about these simple methods to lick poverty, maybe we can start a movement.
Some people don't like my message. I'm sorry they feel the way they do, I really am. I'm not a poor black kid. I'm just a guy. I know what I know, and I write about it.
I am not creative or brilliant. I'm not rich. But I work hard and I figure people might want to hear what I have to say.
Which brings me to Steve Jobs. You know, he was kind of a jerk. And it was key to his success. He held the whole world in contempt, and his employees hated him, and somehow this made him the most successful guy in the solar system.
Let me reiterate, here: I am not creative or brilliant. Nor am I a jerk. You see where I'm going here, right? Hear me out, this is genius.
If I was a poor black kid, I would also be a total jerk.
Steve Jobs knew how to motivate people. He once made a designer cry because he (I mean the designer) overbeveled the corner of the 3rd generation iPod nano by a half-millimeter. If I was a poor black kid, I would adopt Steve Jobs's relentless perfectionist dickishness to motivate the people around me to help pull me out of poverty.
Your mom is sky-high on crack and her boyfriend beats you up when it's time to do your homework? Kids at school shake you down each day for your lunch money? Tell them in no uncertain terms that's not going to cut it anymore.
Also: Start wearing a black turtleneck at all times, take long walks, and turn all school assignments into the most awesome PowerPoints you ever saw. Plus: if things get rough, visit India to clear your head.
This simple advice will get you started on a fantastic journey up the ladder of opportunity. It won't always be easy. Sure, all the other poor black kids will mock you for following the advice of some random pasty middle-aged white guy on a website devoted to billionaires. They will probably ostracize you, beat you up, maybe kill you. I saw an episode of The Wire once. But if you apply yourself and network properly, the sky's the limit. This is America, right?
